Déjà Voo Doo

Our minds have this incredible ability to transcend time and space. We can fantasize about the future or worry about what’s coming next, and we can reminisce nostalgically or negatively dwell on the past. Psychologist Endel Tulving calls this “mental time travel”. An offshoot of this phenomenon, and what some might consider more of a “glitch” in our ability to recall memories accurately, is déjà vu - the feeling that the present situation is familiar or that you have experienced it before. Translated from French it literally means "already seen." Is this simply an error in our neural processing? I prefer to believe that Déjà Vu is more of a timeline shift that acts a sign from the Universe that you should pay close attention to the present moment, because something significant is happening that can guide you along your spiritual path. Some say it is a “miraculous and beautiful glimpse into the depths of your soul and an indicator of a previous life, or precognitive experience” (Melanie Beckler).

Today I had a personal and very profound experience of déjà vu that isn’t so easy to explain (as is the nature of déjà vu itself). I thought instead, I’d include an excerpt from my journal that, for me, connects the emotions that I felt 3 years ago to the memories I truly only accessed this morning in therapy. They weren’t just familiar, they were the only explanation that makes sense for me. It also ties together this magical tree (featured above) that I “first saw” at Burning Man in 2017 to a very wounded, sad part of me that has been stuck at age 11 for 25 years now. This is the beauty of Inner Child work, a modality that is based on the theory that time is not linear. We can revisit a time of the past when trauma occurred and introduce the younger parts of us that are “stuck” in that experience and set them free into our future lives with the help of our older, wiser, more compassionate (present day) selves.

Here it goes:

“ Everything comes full circle. As much as I may want to cry and release the deep sadness that I know I’ve been carrying for all of these years, and that she (my therapist) has instructed that I process through whatever creative expression I can find, it has come to my realization that I have already processed this grief. It is already done. I did this work at Burning Man in 2017. I remember looking up into that magical iridescent tree, into it’s beautiful intertwined branches and it’s intricate synchronized lights (referring to an art piece on the Playa), and feeling the widest spectrum of emotions that at the time I could not make any real sense of. At the time, they did not match the moment or the happenings, the relationship I was in or the people I was with. They were familiar, yes, but they did not come flooding in with the memories that would go along with such deep emoting. I am now (today in therapy) having those memories of being 11 years old and feeling all the pain and anguish that match perfectly to what I felt under that magical tree, 3 years ago. My conscious mind is only now catching up with what my subconscious mind has been working on for years - quietly behind the scenes, waiting until I’m ready to understand it. My soul has already been weaving these interconnected threads throughout my life, but it is only now beginning to pull it all together. I’ve felt this before. I’ve seen all of this before. I did this work, unknowingly, while lying on the desert floor at Burning Man and it’s only making sense to me now (and yet writing it out it doesn’t seem to make any sense at all, really). I remember so clearly on that warm and wild night in Black Rock City, Nevada, that Immediately following the release of grief and sadness I was suddenly overtaken by intense joy and bliss. I was able to feel the other end of the spectrum of emotions and they seemed to match the child-like spontaneity and free-spirit energy of my fellow Burners who were climbing and hanging in that tree. I felt I shared in their expansive, open-heartedness and collective happiness. In that moment, I knew what it felt like to be fully healed, to be whole, to no longer be depressed and to be free of the heavy sadness I had been lugging around for so long. I remember thinking then that this healed, whole, place felt familiar like déjà vu. And now here I am in my therapy session remembering the heaviness that was released into the dusty earth that night and fully understanding that it belonged to my 11 year old self who didn’t know what to do with it.

Unfortunately, the “healed” sense I had didn’t last long after that week-long spiritual love rave, and I seem to have forgotten what I learned. At Burning Man you practice Radical Self-Expression, Radical Inclusion, Communal Effort and Immediacy - fully engaging in the present moment. However, it’s hard to hold on to those values when you return to what Burners call the “default world”. It’s especially challenging right now, during this pandemic (Covid19, 2020) and so truthfully I’ve been more closely tied to the other BM Principle: Radical Self-Reliance.

My interpretation is that the déjà vu experience I had today means that the healing was already done in 2017, I just hadn’t known it yet, and what little awareness of it I had I had forgotten over the years (until today).

Fast forward to last night. It seems it’s no coincidence that my mind would go to the Tree of Ténéré, as I had just reconnected to memories of it’s roots last night. I had needed to escape my house and get some fresh air (due to isolation, lockdown) and I found myself in a usually-rare situation: an empty Trinity Bellwoods Park. Just me and the trees and the wide open space reminding me of what it felt like to be walking out in the wide open desert where I first met Ténéré. For just a flash of a second I had this wave of emotion come over me that matched the pleasant memory of being a complete free-spirit out there and of being open to receiving joy and of feeling ready to fully participate in life. This is how I want to feel and I had this sense last night, almost in preparation for therapy this morning, that I can’t wait “to be healed”. But what I’ve learned since then is that I’m already there, I just have to realize it. Everything in a sense is linked to this moment and also to moments of understanding and levels of healing that are yet to come.

This process has been in the works long before I started consciously participating in my healing journey, and I am slowly but surely uncovering more and more clues to the work I didn’t remember, or didn’t know, I was doing. “ - A.S May 12, 2020.

Melanie Becker reminds us that “when you begin to pay attention to déjà vu as a message from your divine self, there is a great deal of emotional healing that can occur. Your subconscious is relaying messages to your conscious mind in the form of these ‘already seen’ moments or memories. It’s easy to dismiss them as coincidence. But when we do, we miss their spiritual significance.”

-Amanda Stokes

Thoughts on Psychotherapy

This is me, just coming out of another bout of depression …

Just a couple of years ago, I was riddled with a very familiar anxiety, sadness and a general feeling of being stuck. I’ve been through it many times before as I've wavered between “fine” and “not-fine” for many years - probably starting in high-school, but exacerbated by the stresses of University, a few big breakups and a couple of challenging life events. In the photo above, I appear pretty chipper - and silly - and I think I actually was. However, underneath of it there was still FEAR. Fear that at any moment the fog would return, the social anxiety would kick in, and the lights go back out. Here I was at a beautiful outdoor women’s camp (called RAW) ready to connect with 100 other women who are all looking for the same woman empowerment experience we’ve had in previous retreat years. I know the value of this retreat is high and I do not for one second regret going, but if you look closely behind my eyes in this photo: uncertainty remains. What if the girls don’t click with me? What if i’m not entertaining or funny? Or look fat in my bathing suit. What if I’m not ready to get vulnerable enough to finally try Acro Yoga - being that close to other women you don’t know?! Trusting that they’ll hold you up? What if my sweaty hands slip and I fall — or worse, I drop someone? Here I was in a peaceful, open air environment surrounded by open-hearted women, and I couldn’t quite shake the feeling that I’m not sure I should be here. Luckily - I made it through. I always do. And I had a wonderful time, and I made new friends, and I felt better when I left than when I first arrived. But, trust me, it was a struggle to let go of my fear and embrace the opportunity directly in front me. This comes up for me in many instances outside of social situations or big events like RAW. It comes up before teaching a yoga class, before meeting with therapy clients, or going on a date. All the expected anxiousness that would typically arise with having to “put yourself out there” - but in the moment I always feel like this level of anxiety is unique to me. THIS level of anxiety can’t be the regular jitters we hear about. THIS level of anxiety could completely drown me into paralysis.

Getting over myself: Over time, however, I recognize that this can’t be so. I’m not the first and only person to have a panic attack. I’m definitely not the last. There are people who suffer much worse than I do, and somehow they come out of it alive. I know comparison is not always healthy, but when I can pull back my egocentric lens far enough to recognize that this isn’t just me and I’m not alone - it truly does help.

When I feel the anxiety and depression coming on … I now try to take a mental screenshot of what’s going on. Think it over and try to stay detached. I am experiencing sadness. I’m not sad. I am experiencing fear. I am not afraid. or I am not fear. When i can separate the two - myself and my feelings (or current mental state), I can slowly get a sense that I am okay and “this too shall pass”.

After this “Girl’s Camp”, I slowly started to come out of my fog - I began to exercise, reach out to friends, go back to my therapist for some candid chats and self-reflection and I finally caught on to an upward spiral and pulled myself out. It's been quite the journey going inwards and sorting out what it is that keeps pulling me down, and what's made all the difference for me has been yoga, therapy, some alone time to allow time/space to process (solo travel, meditation, long road trips) and a few lovely humans that I can call on for support.

The saving grace: I think the most important thing that has kept me from falling back into that low state (and has helped me “bounce back” out of it more quickly if I do) has been my continued therapy sessions. I think it’s imperative that I continue to see my therapist and talk about myself, my experiences, my thoughts, beliefs, and emotions, even when I’m not experiencing any big emotional issues or presently experiencing anxiety. In fact, it’s most effective for me during the times when I’m calm, collected and have the capacity to dive a little deeper into my underlying issues. I think I can typically keep my bigger emotions (from past relationships, trauma, childhood issues) at bay for quite some time, however if I don’t sort out my thoughts and emotions around these things, they could creep on me and quickly add to the sense of overwhelm that inevitably leads me back to anxiety, panic or deep sadness. I didn’t realize until I went to school for psychotherapy, just how important it is to verbalize your thoughts and feelings and have another person - someone who is completely unrelated, unaffected, and unbiased - witness what it’s like to be you. Without currently playing the roles I typically play, i get a chance to simply express my inner experience, unfiltered.

Slow Burn: Now I don’t leave every session feeling as though I’ve cracked the case on why I am the way I am, nor do I always feel that i’ve “healed” myself or had much of a cathartic release or even interesting insight. Some days do feel that way, yes. But i think the beauty of psychotherapy is that the healing is like a slow burn, that is continuous and sometimes just under the surface of your awareness. The “results” or benefits slowly begin to reveal themselves in your life only by way of noticing the lack of stress, or conflict, the lack of big emotions and drama. Suddenly you realize that the things that used to have your reeling back in anger or frustration, or would send you running for the hills in an intimate relationship - just don’t carry that much weight anymore. The emotional charge has dissipated and you have more control over your mental and emotional state. It’s easy to notice heavy fog and bad weather… not always as easy to notice a week long stretch of clear skies and no winds.

What gets you through your most challenging times? What has been your number one game changer in getting you back on an upward spiral and making positive changes in your life?

Fav quote on this: “Between stimulus response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Victor Frankl